


Spiraling Thoughts and Shy Intentions

by SometimesJekyll_UsuallyHyde



Series: Good End: Is It Okay To Say I Love You Now? [2]
Category: The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Robert Louis Stevenson
Genre: Angst and Feels, Feels, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gentle Kissing, Hugs, Hyde helps him snap out of it, Jekyll is insecure and overthinks, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Shyness, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, kind of, that's the extent of the angst, the angst is so light you might miss it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22237585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SometimesJekyll_UsuallyHyde/pseuds/SometimesJekyll_UsuallyHyde
Summary: Presently, Dr Jekyll was facing a bit of a conundrum. One that –for once- wasn’t caused by the actions or existence of Hyde. Doubtless it was likely a problem that most would consider foolish; Jekyll would even go so far as to say childish or perhaps even deluded. Either way it plagued the doctors far too analytical mind and the more he thought about it the more complicated and frightening it became...
Relationships: Edward Hyde & Henry Jekyll, Edward Hyde/Gabriel John Utterson, Henry Jekyll/Gabriel John Utterson
Series: Good End: Is It Okay To Say I Love You Now? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574653
Comments: 10
Kudos: 68





	Spiraling Thoughts and Shy Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly this whole one shot was created because I wanted to see Jekyll being shy about kissing Utterson for the first time. Then the light angst kicked in during the first half of it, it's based on Victorian literature there was bound to be light drama of some kind... >3> I had a bit too much fun writing shy Jekyll at the end~ <3

Presently, Dr Jekyll was facing a bit of a conundrum. One that –for once- wasn’t caused by the actions or existence of Hyde. Doubtless it was likely a problem that most would consider foolish; Jekyll would even go so far as to say childish or perhaps even deluded. Either way it plagued the doctors far too analytical mind and the more he thought about it the more complicated and frightening it became.

It had been several weeks since that fateful evening with Utterson in which long kept secrets and feelings had been placed out in the open. Jekyll still couldn’t quite believe that not only were his feelings for his dear friend requited but that the other man was willing to accept everything about him; including Hyde. It had been like a dream; and continued to feel so for the few days that followed. Until Jekyll’s self-doubt immediately reared its ugly head once more

It wasn’t until Jekyll noticed the subtle changes that had occurred between himself and Utterson that he had started to flounder. Now free of bed rest the two had been able to spend more social time together outside of their working hours, for the doctor had partially resumed practicing once again. It was during those times Jekyll noticed the changes; when they dined together there was more eye contact, when they sat in front of the fire drinking wine on a leisurely evening they would be seated closer together and when they went on walks together there was far more incidental touching of shoulders or sometimes even hands.

Recently though, what Jekyll was most afraid of and what had become such a problem for his worries had been something quite simple really; a kiss. The doctor was ashamed to admit that he had been actively going out of his way to avoid the action. Blatantly ignoring the atmosphere. Quite literally moving his head out of the way any time Utterson made a move too close to his face

Jekyll sighed heavily from his chair by the fireplace; staring into the flames as if they might hold the answer to his fears. His tea that sat mostly untouched had now gone cold as he became consumed by his thoughts which seemed to spiral this way and that without ever really coming to a halt.

“What is wrong with me...” he muttered quietly to himself, not really questioning but out of frustration.

_“A few things currently.”_ Hyde chimed in, _“Being afraid to kiss your own lover is definitely the main one though. We’ll ignore the fact you’re housing a now-murderer inside your own subconscious.”_

“I know you didn’t mean to murder Sir Carew, Hyde.” Jekyll said to him, “You let your rage get the better of you.”

Hyde was actually quite surprised by that response. He knew Jekyll had seen what he’d done, but Hyde had never been sure if his other half felt the panic that had coursed through his body once he had calmed from his rage and realised what he’d done. Edward Hyde was certainly not one to back down from a fight nor did he care how injured his opponent became after the fact; but that incident, it really left an unfortunate impact on him.

It wasn’t until after Hyde had relived that moment again that he realised Jekyll had completely ignored his initial comment.

_“Why aren’t you letting Utterson kiss you anyway? It’s not like you haven’t done it before. I know you remember the countless women and men I’ve fooled around with while you watched like a voyeur in the back of my head.”_ Halfway through the comment Hyde allowed his body to manifest in its ghostly form; sitting on the other chair opposite Jekyll who was still staring into the fire.

The doctor didn’t move, but glanced in his direction; a disgusted look vaguely playing on his face.

_“What? Don’t look at me like that, it’s true and you cannot deny it.”_ Hyde replied petulantly.

Jekyll just sighed through his nose and turned around to properly face his other half as he replied; “I don’t deny it, but those strangers were just that; people who I will never see again and who mean little to nothing to me.”

_“Your point being?”_

“There was no potential for betrayal. Without love there was nothing to fear nor nothing to lose,” Jekyll explained, choosing his words carefully as if even he was struggling to explain his worries, “That’s not the case now. The concept of a kiss is far more intimate and meaningful. I... I love Utterson, so the thought of opening my heart to such intimacy only for him to reject us later on is simply unbearable...”

Hyde was giving him an odd look; it wasn’t condescending –as it so often was- but one of genuine confusion. He was trying to understand, Jekyll could near feel the thoughts continuing to float around in his head as if hearing them repeatedly might help him really grasp the meaning.

_“So in essence what you’re saying is you don’t want to have your heart broken so you’re keeping him at a distance. To protect yourself.”_ Hyde concluded, still looking confused but this time a bit incredulous at the thought he had just deduced.

“Well when you say it in such a way it seems rather selfish.” Jekyll replied, looking slightly embarrassed and clearly guilty.

_“Because it is selfish!”_ Hyde exclaimed, leaping out of his chair in sheer frustration, _“The man loves you and wants to shower us with affection but you keep pushing him away! You’re damn right it’s selfish.”_

It was Jekyll’s turn to become angered; at the nerve his other half had to scold him but more than anything he was frustrated because Hyde was right; and Jekyll hated that thought so all he could childishly retort was; “You just want us to get closer so you can sleep with him!”

_“No I don’t!”_ there was an audible snarl behind Hyde’s words.

“Then why are you getting so angry!?” Jekyll’s voice had started pitching, the emotion starting to become too much.

_“Because you always do this; you over think! Do you seriously think Utterson is the type of person that would betray us like that? I thought you said you trusted him!”_ there was an unusual defensive tone in Hyde’s voice; one Jekyll was certain he had never heard before.

“I trust him more than I trust myself!” Jekyll shouted back.

_“Then act like it!”_ the smaller man growled, seizing Jekyll by the shirt and lurching him forward; hands quivering, _“You old fools have been pining for each other all these damn years and your feelings have never changed so they sure as hell aren’t going to change now.”_

Hyde’s face might have still been contorted into one of anger but there was a sincerity swirling around in those green eyes. It was so strange. Hyde’s words echoed the quieter and more timid thoughts that had been mixed in Jekyll’s mind among the fears, but they had been so weak; so painfully blocked out by unwarranted paranoia that Jekyll had lost sight of them.

Hyde was created from a part of his personality that he had so carefully boxed away; his truth. His true feelings of desire, hatred and indeed...love. It’s why Hyde was not a good liar; when faced with problems he would evade or mislead rather than construct a web of lies to protect himself. He was telling the truth. Jekyll’s truth.

“You really are my better half.” Was all Jekyll could say, gingerly pulling Hyde down toward him into a hug.

The action took his other half by surprise but he recovered in time to claim, _“No, I’m just the honest one. Also, I don’t like this sappy nonsense, let me go.”_

“In just a minute.” Jekyll said, keeping the other still, “Perhaps some of your honesty will transfer to me this way.”

Hyde just snorted, _“I doubt that.”_

“Well I hope it does,” Jekyll said gently, “because I intend to make my foolish worries known to our dear Utterson the next I see him. I need to apologise for my behaviour and he deserves to know what caused it.”

_“He’s going to think you’re a fool you know?”_ Hyde stated matter-of-factly.

“Quite possibly, but in order to move forward in this relationship I believe I need to be more honest and vocal of my concerns. No matter how embarrassing or foolish they may be.” Jekyll resigned, releasing Hyde and allowing his ghostly form to stand up while Jekyll himself slumped back in his chair; defeated by his own logic.

_“You’re not exactly adept at this vocalisation of honesty and feelings. Do you truly think that just by stating your intentions that you’ll actually be able to act upon them? Because I’ve heard you think up a lot of things only to never do anything about it.”_ Hyde’s response came as no surprise to Jekyll; he was painfully aware of his inability to confess or even acknowledge his true feelings. The doctor had spent so many years of his life constructing his image as being the perfect gentleman that during that process he had locked away his honesty and with it his ability to speak about his own feelings.

“The path to such openness and honesty will likely be a difficult one, but I’m determined to see it through.” Jekyll returned, a renewed determination in his voice.

Hyde wasn’t sure if the doctor would truly succeed at changing such a large aspect of his personality, but there was one thing he was certain of and that was Jekyll’s stubbornness. Once he had decided upon something he made sure to see it through until he achieved success. Had he not of been that way inclined Hyde himself would never have been brought into existence.

It wouldn’t be until several days later that Hyde would have the chance to see if Jekyll was able to remain true to his word.

It was late in the evening when Jekyll found himself being welcomed into Utterson’s home by his butler and ushered in to the warmly lit reception room, fire ablaze to deter the chill in the air from the autumn wind. The doctor had been invited for dinner that night but chose to arrive slightly ahead of the originally scheduled time; wanting those extra moments to voice all his previous worries. As he stood near the fire Jekyll couldn’t help but still feel eerily cold. Apprehensive about the conversation to come and more so than anything else; afraid of Utterson’s reaction to it.

“Henry,” Utterson greeted as he walked into the room, his voice almost making Jekyll jump; “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”

Jekyll smiled apologetically, “I’m sorry for arriving so early before the time we agreed upon. I hope I’m not interrupting your work?”

“Nonsense, I keep my work at my office. I try to make a habit of not bringing it home with me.” The lawyer replied, waving a hand dismissively in reassurance.

Jekyll felt his body relax a little at that, but his hands still felt clammy with sweat from nervousness. He took a subtle –or so he hoped- breath to calm his nerves.

“I have something I wanted to discuss with you before our dinner,” he began, trying to keep his voice neutral, “about my behaviour as of late.”

That seemed to catch Utterson off guard for his face immediately became one of concerned confusion.

Jekyll swallowed before he began, “I’m sure you’ve noticed that I have been somewhat... avoiding you.”

“I have.” The other stated plainly. The slight sadness in his tone made Jekyll’s heart sting with guilt.

“I am deeply ashamed to admit that my fears got the better of me and I have been plagued with horrible and irrational scenarios that prevented me from accepting your advances,” Jekyll hung his head slightly in shame, “I began avoiding you. Fearing that if I were to open my heart to your intimacy that you might suddenly no longer be interested in me and cast me aside... and I that absolutely terrified me. I don’t know what I would do if you were to suddenly no longer love me; I feared I might go completely mad, becoming nothing but a shell of a man.”

“I have hurt you, Gabriel,” Jekyll continued, no longer able to look Utterson in the face, “and for that I am deeply sorry... I became a victim of my own mind once again and allowed fear to rule my actions. I don’t know what exactly I can do to amend what I have done, but I beg of you if nothing else; please do not think my feelings for you have wavered.”

They stood in silence for a few moments, Jekyll unable to hold his head up as he continued to stare down at the lavish rug beneath his feet that was illuminated by a gentle orange glow from the fire. The doctor flinched in surprise when firm, but gentle hands were placed on his arms and ushered him forwards until Jekyll found himself in a rather tight embrace.

“The one who should be apologising is me,” Utterson’s voice sounded wavering, as if he were trying to hold back an onslaught of emotions, “You were suffering through such turmoil and I never noticed. You have nothing to apologise about, fear is a normal human reaction; but you have my word Henry, I will never abandon you, nor will my love ever falter. I only hope you can believe me, and forgive me for being so ignorant to your pain.”

Jekyll shook his head, arms tightening around the other man, “Of course I believe you and there is nothing to forgive. I should have mentioned my fears sooner, then neither of us would be feeling quite so horrible right now.”

“I still should have noticed you were suffering,” the other confessed, still feeling awful he hadn’t even noticed Jekyll’s anguish, “I’m not the best at identifying emotional cues; you know how I can be, but I promise from this moment onwards I will do everything I can to try and notice when you are going through stress.”

“In kind, while I know I cannot promise to always vocalise my feelings, I will try my hardest to be more honest with you.” Jekyll replied, chin resting comfortably on the others shoulder as he allowed his body to loosen up, a subtle gesture that he trusted his partner and one that he hoped Utterson would notice.

As they stood there in that gentle and apologetic embrace Jekyll became aware of the rather foreign feeling circling through his body. At first he thought it was a sudden wave of exhaustion, but soon came to realise that is was something far simpler than that. He was relaxed. Jekyll honestly wouldn't remember the last time he had felt quite so relaxed; Hyde was being silent –for once- and there was no need to fear being seen by anyone, for Utterson’s servants were diligently preparing their dinner and formalising the dining room for their arrival.

“Henry?” at the sound of Utterson gently calling his name Jekyll awoke from his trance like state.

“Yes?” his voice came out softer than he realised, quiet as if not wanting to disturb the rare moment of tranquillity.

Jekyll felt rather than heard the deep and slightly shaky breath the lawyer took in before he cautiously asked; “may I kiss you?”

Jekyll immediately felt his heartrate increase, every beat seemingly making his cheeks grow darker and darker in deep blush at the honesty and straight forwardness of the question. He suddenly felt like a young adolescent all over again; as if he were back in his first year of university when he had first wondered how it might feel to be held close and adored by his dear friend.

His throat felt dry, nervousness threatening to take over. He swallowed a few times, unconsciously licking his lips that quivered ever so slightly as he eventually whispered a single word, so quietly that had his head not have been so close to Utterson the man likely would never have heard him; “yes...”

_“Finally!”_ Hyde’s voice abruptly chorused rather loudly through his head, serving only to make him more embarrassed as he moved to face Utterson. He was reassured when his eyes landed on the other man’s face; he looked just as nervous as Jekyll, although the blush dusting his features didn’t seem quite as noticeable as it did on the doctors clean shaven face.

It was Utterson who ever so gingerly drew their faces closer together. Jekyll’s eyes nervously fluttered shut just before their noses brushed gently together, lips parting slightly in anticipation. When the distance between them finally closed and the doctor was enveloped in a gentle chaste kiss he felt his heart melt. The warmth in his cheeks spread to his ears in both embarrassment and naïve pleasure when he involuntarily released a very soft appreciative sound when he felt Utterson cradle the back of his head tenderly.

When the two parted their eyes didn’t seem to know where to settle; Jekyll torn between either staring down at the floor or gazing at his partners face. When he built up the courage to meet Utterson’s eyes he was greeted with a nervous but sincere smile, one that similarly crept on to Jekyll’s own face.

_“What kind of childish kiss was that!?”_ Hyde balked, _“And why are you two acting so embarrassed about it?”_

Jekyll chose to ignore the little miscreant in his mind, too wrapped in the moment that he had spent so many years imagining in his dreams. He wondered if he should say something, but was at a loss as to what; nothing seemed appropriate. In a small moment of insight he was reminded of the phrase which noted that actions often spoke louder than words. With that in mind Jekyll took a tiny shaky breath in; stealing his resolve, before his hands reached for Utterson’s vest collar and tugged him closer, pressing his lips firmly against the lawyer’s own.

Shocked at Jekyll’s sudden moment of boldness Utterson decided quietly that this was a side of the doctor that he wouldn’t mind seeing more of. He placed his hands on Jekyll’s back, drawing him closer; an action which seemed to reassure Jekyll whose previously tense body relaxed under his touch, even going so far as to part his lips ever so slightly. A subtle invitation for something more and one that the lawyer cautiously but happily granted. The doctor couldn’t help the surprised moan that became muffled by tongue and lips; the feeling of such a deep kiss threatening to make him weak in the knees. While Jekyll might have experienced through Hyde his fair share of lustful kisses it had been years since he himself had engaged in such intimacy. It really did make him feel like that naïve young man who oh so secretly fantasised in the wee hours of the morning about how wonderful it would probably be for his dear friend Utterson to claim his lips; his body.

When they parted at last an audible gasp filled the room that had Jekyll bashfully pressing his face against Utterson’s chest; still clinging to him but unable to look at his face.

As the pairs breathing evened out and when Jekyll still had refused to move his face from the comforts of the others chest Utterson asked softly; “are you feeling shy, Henry?”

The doctor didn’t trust his voice, so he just nodded, body tensing a little in slight embarrassment at the childish confession. He was a grown man, there was no need for him to be feeling so shy about a kiss. Hyde’s highly amused laughter filled his ears which only served to make him feel even more self-conscious about his actions.

_I can’t believe I did that._ Jekyll thought to himself, still in slight disbelief that he had acted so boldly.

_“I can’t believe you’re embarrassed by something like that. If you’re acting like this now I wonder how you’ll be when he takes you.”_ Hyde chuckled, the doctor’s actions still not ceasing to amuse him.

The rather graphic images that filled his mind courtesy of Hyde’s vivid imagination set his cheeks aflame with renewed vigour. Jekyll subconsciously pressed his face more firmly against Utterson’s chest in a vain attempt to further shield his face.

“It’s alright to feel shy, Harry.” Utterson’s gentle voice filled his ears, the hands that had been resting on Jekyll’s back rubbing soothing circles over it in an attempt of reassurance.

“...I’m sorry.” Jekyll murmured, voices slightly muffled.

“Don’t be. It’s rather endearing.” Jekyll didn’t need to see the lawyers face to know there was a smile playing on his lips.

“If you say such sweet things I fear I may never be able to look you in the eyes again.” Jekyll mumbled, reassured by Utterson’s musical laughter that filled the room.

“We can’t have that happening now can we?” he replied lightly, hand reaching up and gently stroking Jekyll’s rather soft hair, “It seems I will just need to say them more frequently until you grow accustom to them.”

Jekyll didn’t have a reply to that, but a smile crossed his features as he released gentle sigh of contentment; not only at the pleasant sensation of being petted but at Utterson’s words. The thought of being showered with such praise and loving words something Jekyll thought he would never experience.

Neither man was sure how long they remained in each other’s arms like that, but Jekyll was vaguely disappointed when they needed to part; dinner having been declared ready and waiting. As they walked down the hall following Utterson’s butler to the dining room Jekyll felt a warm hand placed on the lower of his back. He glanced over to Utterson whose expression was one Jekyll had never had the pleasure of seeing before; it was subtle but it was loving, tender even and Jekyll felt his heart swell with a torrent of feelings. He smiled softly at the man and ever so carefully leaned into the touch. The pair walking just a little bit closer than they would normally.

**Author's Note:**

> Story Time! Jekyll not registering that he was relaxed is something that happens to me a lot. I'm very rarely in a relaxed state so when I do have those rare moments I tend to think I'm tired or exhausted until my brain is like 'lol, nope. This is what relaxation feels like.' I feel like after all that Jekyll has been through he might feel something similar.
> 
> Anyway, hope you all enjoyed. I just love writing these two old fools hopelessly in love with each other, it brings me joy x'D


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